A Second First Home: A Transracial Adoptee's Return to Korea with Traci Hobson

Sharmane Fury  00:07

This is a ManeHustle Media podcast.

Jacqui Oh  00:20

Hello and welcome to the show. My name is Jacqui Oh and you're listening to Militantly Mixed.

Rashanii Jones  00:26

Yo this Rashanii from the Single Simulcast. When I'm not making you laugh or making a parody song, I'm kicking back listening to Militantly Mixed.

Sharmane Fury  00:41

Konnichiwassup Cousins?  Welcome to Militantly Mixed the podcast about race and identity from the Mixed race perspective. I am your SirAuntie Sharmane Fury, and this is my first episode back since initiating the every other week schedule, and I think this is going to be far more manageable then the weekly episodes were going to be, given how heavy my workload is for school and also November itself. You all already know, because I've been saying it, it's always going to be awful for me for the rest of my life. It's the

Sharmane Fury  01:23

death month anniversary, and I can't, can't really conceive of the fact that I'm about to hit the second anniversary since losing Tristan. And so every day this month, it's either remembering the last time we did something, or it's I can't remember at all what we did on this day, and so then I feel like guilt and pain over not remembering every moment of his last month. So it's been a difficult month for that. It's also my final month of my last my last month of my first semester of law school, and it's a heavy month. The reading is out of control. The projects

Sharmane Fury  02:22

are heavy, and I've just, I've been really overwhelmed. So I

Sharmane Fury  02:31

actually forgot

Sharmane Fury  02:34

to edit this episode. It is right now at the time I'm recording Monday, November 17, at 11:06pm and this episode is meant to go live at midnight on November 18. It's usually done in advance by this point, and I just load it up to schedule it to go at midnight. I should be able to have that done, because the episode is finally edited. But the reason why I'm doing it so late is because I was working on homework all day, and then I had my Japanese tutoring, which I have every Monday, and then I looked at my homework and I said, my brain is too fried. There's no way I'm going to be able to proofread this tonight. I'll have to do it in the morning. I'm going to go give myself a half an hour of vegging out time on the couch watching TV, and then I'm gonna go to bed, because I've been going to bed at like one or two every night, and I really wanted to push myself to go to bed early. And so that was around 830 or so. I was gonna try to get to bed by 930 because I'm I've been really exhausted, but before I veged out, I went to write. I have this like little ritual I do now where I free write for 15 minutes a night before I get ready for bed. And it's, it's meant to help with ADHD, even though it's a free write, but it's, it's also just something that I think is emotionally been really helpful for me. It's kind of journaling, but also sometimes it's, it's literally me walking through a process of some sort, and because I'm handwriting it, it's meant to help me focus and stuff like that. I started it a little while ago. It's been really beneficial. So I was about to do that, and I got about two sentences into a free write where I was about to talk about things that I want to do over the next couple days. And in that process, I remembered, oh shit, there's an episode due in a couple hours, and I haven't edited it yet. And the reason why I hadn't is because the my workload was so heavy the last couple of weeks, and I kept thinking, Oh, I have time. It's two weeks from now. I have time. It's one week from now, I have time. And then I ran out of fucking time because I had a migraine for three days straight, I was in bed, I wasn't really getting anything done, and now I'm in the. Scramble so I forgot, but I think I can get it out by midnight. It's 1109 right now, so we'll see what happens. My guest today is Traci Hobson. She is someone I actually met in meet space, and she's one of the loveliest people that I've had the privilege to encounter in meat space throughout this Militantly Mixed life of mine. One of my favorite things I think y'all know, is when I get a chance to actually physically interact with folks at Mixed events and stuff like that. It's actually something that I would like to prioritize in the future of Militantly Mixed. Because it does. It's really inspirational. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I'm around family and stuff like that. And that's what Mixed Asian day was like this year for me. And I got a chance to meet Traci Hobson, who is our guest today, and her daughter, Tati. And the pair of them were both really lovely, and I would love to get the opportunity, and we've talked about a little bit, it's just a question of scheduling. Would love to get a chance to talk to them individually about their Mixed stories, but I also would like to talk to them together on an episode about their story, because Traci, our guest today, is a transracial adoptee from Korea. She is of Korean and African American descent, and her daughter, Tati is also Mixed, but American born and the child of a transracial adoptee. So their dynamic together is really precious of a story to share. They were generous enough to share that at Mixed Asian day. And for those of you who weren't able to attend. I would love to get the opportunity to do that. I've actually only had family members together on one other episode, I think, over the last seven years. But I hope to get a chance to do that, in addition to also having a separate individual discussion with Tati. But Traci is really absolutely one of the most lovely people I've gotten to encounter in person at one of these events. You know, she leads with her heart, and when you talk to her, you just feel she talking to her feels like a warm hug, I think is what I want to say, and that extended into this discussion as well. She has recently moved back to Korea as sort of a reclamation journey in her life, which I think is just absolutely amazing. And I'm so happy for her having that opportunity of taking that opportunity to do that. And so as a result, when we were recording, she was in Korea and I was here in the States. So we did have a couple little internet hip moments that always happens when, you know, I interview internationally, at some point, I was able to cut out a lot of that. So some of it's not even noticeable, but there are a few moments of audio changes where sometimes it's kind of regular pitch, and sometimes it either goes really high or really low, and I changed where I could not really high or really low, but to me, it's distinguishable. I made edits where I could to make sure that the audio sounds very smooth, and my therapist told me I'm supposed to acknowledge when I do something that I'm proud of or that I think is good, because I tend to be very negative as a person, and so I want to say that I'm actually really proud of this edit, because I did regulate the audio in most places, and it was pretty good. So where I could at, where I could make the adjustments, it's very smooth, and I'm proud of how clean that is, and where I couldn't I've cut it in such a way that it's slightly noticeable, but not too noticeable. And I'm also proud of that there are some places you're not even going to notice that I had to do a significant cut, and it's moments like that that I'm usually, you know, excited about my work, but my therapist wants me to start calling out when I do good. So that's why I did that. But yes, I am so happy to be able to share this conversation that I had with Traci Hobson. So without further ado, actually further ado, before I get out of here, I do just want to say that while I am intending to do the other every other week schedule that would place our next episode on December 2, which is two days after tristan's death anniversary, and one day before my birthday, and also in the midst of my final papers being written and or due. And so I I really don't know where my head's gonna be. I think gearing up for the next week and a half is going to be very difficult for me. This month has already been difficult, but

Sharmane Fury  09:50

a lot of stuff happened that last week of Tristan's life that will weigh on me. It did last year. It already. Is now,

Sharmane Fury  10:01

so I'm not guaranteeing that there will be an episode on December 2, although there are going to be recordings before then, in enough time, I'm going to do my best to get it out by December 2, but I'm not going to place too heavy of a expectation on myself for that period. And if that's the case, I'll release it the week after, on the Tuesday. So as of right now, I don't have that answer. It'll it'll be obvious by either on December 2, there will be an episode, or it'll be the week after. Okay, so now without further ado, please join me in welcoming our latest cousin to the Militantly Mixed family, the lovely Traci Hobson.

Sharmane Fury  11:29

Today, I'm joined by someone who I have met in meet space that doesn't happen all the time at Mixed Asian Day in September in San Francisco, I met Traci, who was on a panel about transracial adoptees. I was on a different panel about, wow, what even was my panel? It's been, it's it's been too much. So I don't remember what my panel was on, but that's not

Sharmane Fury  11:52

important, because I have Traci here, and let's get into

Traci Hobson  11:59

1. Hello, hello, hello. I am Traci Hobson. I am a what I would consider a first generation transracial adoptee, Korean, an African American adopted to the US from Korea at the age of four in 1961 so yes, I'm very old, but that's me. I had three children settled in San Francisco, California, in the in the Bay Area, but I just returned to my birth country, to my homeland, Seoul, Korea.

Sharmane Fury  12:36

So, oh, you're not there for visiting. You're actually you've

Traci Hobson  12:39

moved I am here to relocate my commitment that I made to myself, and we can talk about what that journey really looks like, but my commitment that I made to myself was to do this for two years, for a number of reasons to to your point, to really lock in my sense of belonging, my sense of identity, and just re acclimate. We take back what was taken from me so many years ago,

Sharmane Fury  13:11

right when I saw you on stage with the rest of the group of the transracial adoptees, everybody's story was very fascinating, but in your case, I think I felt like emotionally connected to you pretty quickly when you were talking about that, the time where you were finally starting to kind of acknowledge where you came from, what you were, and how that made you feel. And so that was kind of big reason why I wanted to bring you on here. I have had a couple of transracial adoptees on in the past. And for those of you who don't know or recognize what that word means, it is when you are a person of a certain ethnicity, race or culture that is adopted by somebody else who is from a different ethnicity, race or culture, and you're raised within that so you are trans racial. And I have had a few on the show in the past, but I think there is a very particular part in American history where Korean babies were either being actively adopted out or kidnapped and adopted out. So it is something I think is something I think is important to address, especially when they it turns out that people are also Mixed race in this as well, because it has to do with American imperialism and all other kinds of things. So yeah, I think I gravitated towards you pretty quickly because of what you were sharing on the stage when you came here. I think I remember you saying you came here completely just speaking Korean. Do you remember about when you started to kind of transition into English and when you felt like you were starting to lose language to a degree? Yeah,

Traci Hobson  14:51

that's a very interesting question. Sharmane, I was adopted at four in Korea. My father was in the military, was in the Air Force. Course, at the time, adoptive father. So I went from Korea to Japan, lived there for about a year and a half. So I came to the States right around the age of six. I do remember not being able to speak English and only speaking Korean, but I can't really pinpoint when I lost the language, and I think that that was probably more of a part of my unintentional but forced assimilation into the African American community, more than anything else. And I think just psychologically, I blocked it. I opted I was not encouraged to keep the language. My parents couldn't speak the language to me. So I think it was a an organic

Speaker 1  15:50

type, like survival, almost,

Traci Hobson  15:53

right, a survival, absolutely, a survival technique. And that was probably the start of where I learned to perform belonging, if that

Sharmane Fury  16:03

makes sense, yeah, as a Mixed person, absolutely, as a Mixed Asian who is Black on the inside, yes, also absolutely in my family. Did you kind of remember or understand that you were both adopted and that you weren't exactly like the family that you were being raised in,

Traci Hobson  16:24

you know, and never not knew I was adopted and but I have always felt outside like an outsider. I was reminded of it every day, just in day to day, you know, I was never fully accepted by the African American community, and there weren't I, you know, grew up in Virginia, so there weren't a lot of Asians that either, right, Koreans. So I kind of stood alone, and I felt that probably most of all, I felt very alone trying to be accepted by anybody, right, but not fully accepted by by anybody either. So was bullied a lot coming through school, and I'm sure you can, you can relate to this, you know, and look different, right? It was clear that I wasn't 100% African American. So that was a point where you you realize very quickly you're the elephant in the room, and that's very uncomfortable all the way through adulthood,

Sharmane Fury  17:38

yeah, so even when you're coming up, so you're kind of a child and teenager into the 70s, right? Even then it was still like you were, you were outsider for Black folks, I

Traci Hobson  17:55

was an outsider. I was still very different. I became, you know, you get all of the the stereotypical descriptions, right? The flavor of the day, the exotic, you know, you the exotic thing. So it was more of I was in for lack of a better word, an object, not a person, you know. Yeah, it came to be just so different that there was no place right for me. That's

Sharmane Fury  18:30

always fascinating to me, when other Mixed folks have the exclusion from the from the Black side, other Mixed Black folks. My experience is different, and I don't know if it's being raised on the West Coast versus East Coast thing or what, but like, the one drop rule kind of applied to me where I grew up, even though I was, you know, yellow and everything like that. People I look just like my dad. That's one of the things, but just a different color. But the my exclusion came on the Asian side, and I couldn't be like, no, no. Asian American accepted me, not the until later in life than it was. The Filipino folks took me in a little bit. So I was I'm always shocked, even on the show, even after eight years, I'm always shocked when I hear like the Black people didn't embrace you versus like in my case, it was the opposite side. And if you're growing up in Virginia, you don't experience that many Asians as well during that time. So I guess you didn't even really get to test that out until later, and it was

Traci Hobson  19:36

and I should, I should, I should clarify or put that a little bit more in context so that it's more of I was bullied because I was different, right, right, more than anything else. Now my parents, they're both deceased now, but my father, very much, tried to remind me to never. Deny or hide from both sides, because there were two sides. My mother, on the other hand, was very adamant about assimilating. So it was a little bit different there now my extended family, my cousins and so forth. They were the ones that got me through it all. They stood behind me, beside me, you know, they were as protective as they could be. It was, you know, the going to school, it was going out to the grocery store. It was, you know, where I got the looks I got the Oh, where are you from? And what are you that's, that's always my favorite. What are you, right?

Sharmane Fury  20:45

Can I ask you, do Black people say, what are you Mixed with? Or do they just say, what are you you get? What are

Traci Hobson  20:50

you I get both. I get early, like in the 70s, I got the What are you like? Just like that, what are you? And then it was, what are you Mixed with? But it was always, it always seemed kind of, I won't say, accusatory, but always like, like, a it was intimidating. It was intimidating the way that it was asked, you know, and I do think it was the difference between West Coast and East Coast, because I did grow up in Virginia, you know, the Bible built the south. So anything different? Yeah, was,

Sharmane Fury  21:28

was tough. Yeah. I grew up in predominantly Black schools when I was younger, and then by the end of my high school, I transferred from a Black high school to a kind of, I will say, multi ethnic, predominantly white high school, and that's when things changed for me. I didn't didn't realize it before. I didn't even realize that other people didn't know I was Black, like I didn't realize only Black people knew I was Black until I went to that high school. Later, in my head, I think I was just like this dark skinned Nubian warrior or something like that. But, but actually, I didn't realize until until later. But the whenever there was a non Black person in the school with me growing up, those were the people who bullied me, no matter what they were, because they couldn't understand why I was pale, with big lips and things like that. Like, that's where I got the bullying. So it's all but, yeah, maybe it is a West Coast, East Coast things, but also the south being what it is, even with the military influence from what I what I've experienced with people from Virginia, even if they grew up around the military base that that, like military folks, are Mixed. Thing didn't seem to take as much there as like, where I grew up, where we were military too, and everybody was in a race. Like all the military guys had wives from different places, so all of the kids were Mixed. You were the only one that you knew growing up,

Traci Hobson  22:53

only Mixed race child growing up now, and I can say that when I first came to the States and immediately lived on a military base. I lived in Langley, in Hampton, Hampton, and I can say without a doubt that was probably the most happy I was as a child on base. It was, it was sheltered, because, like you said, it was a very it was diverse as the military, right? Yeah, it went to school on the base, but that was where I can say I was most calm, most happy, most um, just didn't feel as different, if you will, or didn't notice I was so different.

Sharmane Fury  23:50

Yeah, I think community wise is helpful when there's other people that are considered different. It took me years, and I'm curious if you feel this way too. It even though I had a fairly Mixed upbringing. My parents are both biracial. We grew up on a military base. We lived with cousins. I just grew up around Mixed people my whole life. It wasn't until adulthood that I started me like we're all the Mixed people. But when I got older, that's when I kind of started to see that it was hurting me, calling myself different, like, I think, in the beginning, when I was a child, when I was younger, because I heard people say you were different, I said I was different. And then as an adult, I started going, like, no, no. It was like, I'm the only one I know, like that, or, you know, I'm like, This is me. That's my story. You're different from me, not me. Like, I'm not the different one, but it took me until I was an adult to get there. I think I really allowed the you're different, or you're an other thing to kind of sit with me throughout most of my childhood. Again, even though I had a very Mixed upbringing, I felt fairly confident as a Mixed person. There was always that little thing kind of need to. Looking at me, you're different. You're the different one you know. Did you get to a place ever, either in childhood or even into adulthood, where you started to push back?

Traci Hobson  25:11

No, I don't think I ever, I ever pushed back on it. What I would say is I was so caught up, not knowingly, in the trauma of adoption, that it was so important to me to be accepted and to not be abandoned or rejected, that it shaped me being always the people pleaser, right? So never pushed back, never never used my voice really and well into adulthood, I can say honestly that I probably did not truly, truly learn to use my voice and to say I get to choose what my identity is, probably not within the last 10 years, to be quite

Sharmane Fury  26:06

honest. Oh, I think that's kind of what you were saying on the panel, sort of like through your children. It was sort of how you were starting to take ownership more than you had in the past. I do want to get into the children part, but I want to go back to you mentioning the trauma of adoption. I don't feel like that's the story people hear as often. You know, the PR around adoption is just like, oh, this generous family or whatever took in somebody, you know, a need or something like that. But it's rarely very public about how difficult it is, both in transition for the child, but also like throughout the life of like, knowing you're not from the family you're raised in, definitely not feeling it, maybe even feeling othered by the parents and things like that. But also just what you lost, not even realizing what you lost. Have you found ways in adulthood to address that kind of stuff for your for you, does it impact how you are with your own children? It

Traci Hobson  27:09

did, and it does. I'll give you a perfect example. You know, one of the things about the trauma of adoption, I have a Korean name, and that's what when I came to the States. That's what my green card has, has My Korean name and My Korean name. When I used to ask, what did it mean? What did what was it? My father used to say, oh, it means a beautiful joy, something like that. And I used to always wonder and think to myself, well, if, if it meant beautiful joy, then why was it changed? What, what? What was it about it? You know, am I not beautiful? Am I not not a joy. You know? What was it about it? And it's little things like that that an adoptee thinks about, right, or the fact that my my parents did not truly, truly try to encourage me to my father, did you know? And he died when I was when I was 18, so couldn't really do a lot, but really understanding what my experience was out in the world, you know, they were, my mother wanted me to move about the World like I wasn't an adoptee, like I wasn't a Mixed, you know, child, and it wasn't helpful. I didn't know how to navigate. I didn't know how to navigate the world, right? Yeah,

Sharmane Fury  28:55

how do you pretend to be monoracial if people are literally telling you, what are

Traci Hobson  29:00

You..,. Right, right? And it was a way of, you know, just accept it, you know, just in the one thing you know, people, I do hear people say, Well, you should be grateful you're adopted. It's, it's not a matter of being grateful. But the world of adoption is twofold. Right? On one side, there is gratitude. On the other side, there is a lot of intimidation, a lot of just anger and resentment, not so much of being adopted, but something was taken from me without my permission, right? You know, language, my culture, my you know, and it's hard to explain that, unless you're another adoptee, right, right? So, yeah, it's real. I mean, the trauma of adoption is real, and I didn't realize that that's what it was, and that's what shaped me to be the people pleaser, to be the afraid of being rejected or. Afraid of being abandoned, afraid of and it carried all the way through all of my relationships, whether they be professional, personal, yeah, it ran deep. It ran very deep,

Traci Hobson  31:49

You know, in this journey, because I am also doing a birth search, right? I'm trying to find, I had found, located, my, my, my first father and his family, okay? And I am in the middle part of East visa, and came to Korea was to do the birth search for my first mother. And it's been that journey where I had finally recognized the trauma. Had finally recognized that what happened to me was out of my control. What's in my control is now how I navigate with that story in my heart, right? And I used to think my father was horrible for abandoning my mother, but since then, I have realized that my father didn't even know I existed, right? There was from when I gather pieces that I put together in speaking with my my first father's family, is that if he had known I existed, he would have made sure that my mom and me stayed with him, that there was a love story there that nobody really knew about. So that gave me a lot of comfort, but I didn't know. To your point, I didn't know. I didn't know why I knew I was forced to be given up. Because at the time, it was a lot of propaganda. A lot of you know, Korea wanted to stay pure, so anything that was impure or mixed to your point, they got rid of it and so. But you know, since then, I'm beginning to understand that my mother struggled to it was unfair to think that she abandoned me on purpose, right? And it was unfair to think that my father walked away from her without reason. Yeah,

Sharmane Fury  33:46

if you're not told anything, of course, your mind would go, Well, I'm kind of a negative person, so my mind would go to all the possible terrible versions of the story before I'd even think of the generous version of the story. So you didn't get to actually meet your first father, but you found his family?

Traci Hobson  34:02

No, he unfortunately passed in 1980 but I did find out I have two sisters, and I have met one of them, and we are developing a really good relationship. I have met my one surviving uncle and a host of first cousins, and they have been very generous and very accepting, didn't question it. So from that aspect, I'm truly, truly grateful, truly grateful, because it could have gone the other way, right? Yeah, they could have easily said, Yeah, well, thanks, but no thanks for not looking for another member of the family, right? So, and they supported this journey. They supported me coming here, and so I appreciated that. Yeah, they understood. Understood.

Sharmane Fury  34:50

Why did you find photos that showed you people who looked like you through that side?

Sharmane Fury  34:58

No, he still. Don't have anybody that look like

Traci Hobson  35:01

you? No, no, yeah, it's, it's, and even when I met a lot of them, I actually went to a family reunion on that side last year, and it was very funny, because I still got the the looks like, oh, that's I can remember sitting in corporate meetings, you know, where I was the only woman and the only person of color and being looked at like, well, we're not quite sure what you are, you know, we don't think you're all Black. We don't think you're all anything else, either. And so even then navigating the corporate world, yeah, and I was very successful in the corporate world. I can remember a person saying to me, someone who I thought I was very close to saying to me, point blank, that the only reason that I went up the corporate ladder was because I was fair skinned. I was light skinned and had good hair, whatever that means, right?

Sharmane Fury  36:13

I hate that for you, right?

Traci Hobson  36:16

But it's those kinds of things that like you said, people, people, I don't think they are mean spirited when they say it, but there's a level of ignorance there, right? And I was, I was crushed, because this person was one of my favorite people. I thought that we had gotten past all of that, and to say that to me was just disheartening. It was like, Well, why couldn't I have rate come up the corporate ladder because I'm capable, right? And to attach it to the color thing. And you realize very quickly, even in the African American community, we can be sometimes color struck in our own

Sharmane Fury  36:55

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I definitely experienced versions of that too. When I was younger, dark skinned people, or women in particular, didn't have problems with me. I was actually really embraced with dark skinned women, but light skinned women did not, and most of the bullying I had from the Black community came from light skinned women when I was like or young teenagers to young womanhood, and it was they would say, like, you think you're better than us because you're lighter and you have the good hair. And I'm like, I don't have the good hair. I have Asian textured hair. And even, like, what is the good hair that sucks? You know, we would assume that our hair would not be good.

Sharmane Fury  37:41

I hate that.

Sharmane Fury  37:44

I do want to talk a little bit about the the the decision to go back to Korea, even, even for two years, the aspect of like, besides the birth search, birth mother search, what are you hoping to get out of your time there. What are you reclaiming?

Traci Hobson  38:03

You know, I'm Reclaiming my roots, my roots which, and I credit my children a lot for pushing me, although it was deep in my heart for decades, it was them that they they, I have three children, and they each said to me separately, but they all made the same comment to me. They said, Mommy, we've always seen your light dim, you know. And I just, you know, I would ask them, What do you mean by that? And they said, you have an inherent sadness. You know, not that you weren't happy, not that you didn't laugh, not that you didn't but there was always like this underlying they could tell there was something missing. And I used to always encourage them, never deny, never decline, never hide from their biracial roots, right? And so they never did. They never did. They embraced it. They were and they grew up on the West Coast, so they were around diversity. It wasn't a big thing. It was just Oh, okay. And they moved on, right? They had friends from all walks of life, all diverse, all ethnicities. And my son, bless his heart, I just do a lot of traveling, and he one day, just put this violin in front of me and said, Just spit. I'll take it from there. And he was the one that initially did sent in the 23andme you know, he was like, we're going to do this. And my younger daughter gifted me a my first trip back to Korea in 21 it was the first time I had been returned to the country since I left in 61 so long time. Timespan made, and I remember coming back how fearful I was of not being accepted. Totally different experience, when I came totally different experience. The worst that I got was Koreans were mad that I couldn't speak Korean. But

Sharmane Fury  40:21

man, Asians be tough,

Sharmane Fury  40:25

because, like you would come here, and some of the Asian communities don't teach their children because of assimilation.

Sharmane Fury  40:34

They're like, Why don't you speak?

Traci Hobson  40:36

Right? But they were so welcoming and so understanding and so, and I think more that they were upset that I couldn't speak to read because my daughter speaks

Sharmane Fury  40:44

it right. I remember her saying, yeah.

Traci Hobson  40:47

So I think that was the thing. It was like, Well, how is she able to and you don't? And so urged me to do this. And then I suddenly thought to myself, I owe this to them. I owe them to understand their legacy. I owe them to understand their roots. I owe them to show them that I am proud as well, right? I want them to be able to write their story I wasn't able to, you know, there's so many missing pages in my story, and I don't want that for them, right? I think I owe that to

Sharmane Fury  41:22

them. Are you also prioritizing yourself in that journey? I understand giving it to your children, but for

Traci Hobson  41:30

you, right? And I think to your point, I had to do this myself in order to be able to show them in order to be able to and I needed to heal. I needed to heal, right? Because my healing would automatically push down to them. So that's why I'm here. Is to for that, healing for that, as I would say, faith over fear, right in purpose over pressure. Right is to truly understand that belonging doesn't necessarily mean to a group or to a person or to a country, means belonging to myself. Yeah, and that's, that's what I'm after, because I, you know, I can't help them unless I help myself.

Sharmane Fury  42:21

Yeah, so that makes me happy to hear. I'm excited to hear about this reclamation for you, especially that you're, you're physically doing it in Korea, versus just like being on the internet trying to find things. Does it feel like home? Do you can you feel some kind of home there,

Traci Hobson  42:43

it does. It's, you know, it's very hard to describe or explain. It feels very, very familiar, right? It did them the minute, when I came back in 21 It felt so familiar yet so mysterious at the same time. Yeah, and I feel the exact same way. Now I feel, I feel, it feels, it does. It feels like home in a very I don't even know the word to describe it. I'm comfortable here. Granted, I've run into some glitches and the transition process, I've cried a lot. But despite all that, I can say that the it, I posted this a couple days ago, that the tears like kind of like holy water, right? They've been cleansing. They've been just not all sad tears, but Sears tears of I'm here, I'm doing this, and I'm proud of myself.

Sharmane Fury  43:49

Yeah, it's a lot to release, a lot of pent up stuff to release there. I'm so happy that you're doing and even understanding that sometimes it's going to be very difficult, and even just, like emotionally challenging and everything like that. I'm really happy to hear that you're you're doing that, and you're reclaiming it for yourself. I hope that you're able to find your birth mother story, if you know, if you don't, though, just reclaiming yourself, I think is an amazing thing that you're doing that you can give to your children. Also

Traci Hobson  44:25

it is, you know, I came here with hope, but not expectations. I think when you have expectations, you just you get disappointed a lot faster, right? Yeah. So a lot of hope. I am a dual citizen, so, you know, that was part of my reclamation process was to recover my citizenship here, which I've done. So that was a journey of itself, but it's those, it's those steps, but absolutely, absolutely,

Sharmane Fury  44:54

yeah, that's amazing. Traci, thank you so much for coming. I know with. A couple little hills of my own to get you here. But I'm so glad that you you came here. I feel like I need to book a ticket to go to Korea. Now that I know someone that is there, come on over. I do ask one question of everybody who comes on my show, just because, you know, a lot of our stories Mixed people can sometimes be difficult, emotionally traumatic and stuff like that. But I also think we find ways of of like deep happiness or deep pride within what we are. So I like to ask everybody at the end of my show, what do you love

Sharmane L . Fury  45:38

most about being Mixed

Traci Hobson  45:41

that I have two cultures that I can genuinely say are mine. You know, I love that I am diverse within myself.

Traci Hobson  45:56

I love the foods on both sides. I love the

Traci Hobson  46:03

influence that each side has on the other, yeah, that's little known. Fact is that, you know, Korea influences the Black community. In the Black community influences Koreans, right? So I love that cross influence. I love that I can I have learned to truly, truly embrace being Mixed. So it's all those things that I love about being Mixed. I can go to the K-pop concert. I can go to the hip hop one, right? That's right, I can eat the Southern fried chicken. I can eat the Korean fried chicken, right? It's just so it's, you know? But in all seriousness, I love the fact, like I said, that I am diverse within myself. I think that that's a perfect place to be.

Sharmane Fury  47:01

Yeah, that's awesome. I don't always ask this question of everybody, but since it kind of got prompted inside your response, so you didn't lose your Korean taste buds, that's good to hear. Do you have a hybrid food that joins both cultures that you really love... meal, food, meal.

Traci Hobson  47:23

Ooh that's a great question.

Traci Hobson  47:25

That's a great question. That is such a good question.

Sharmane Fury  47:31

I mean, we're Mixed. We might as well mixed our food, right,

Traci Hobson  47:34

Right, right? I can't say there's a hybrid meal. I love soul food, right? I think that's great. And then I also love the Korean food. So I don't know that I ever mixed them, although I love them both, I should try that. I should only really try to find yeah,

Sharmane Fury  47:58

there's there's ways like, yeah, I so I really love my my grandmother's sesame chicken, my Japanese grandmother sesame chicken, but I like it with a soul food plate. So I actually prefer, like, the Japanese fried chicken too. Like, it makes it uncomfortable, even voicing it. But like, I actually, I actually prefer Japanese fried chicken and texture wise to Southern Fried chicken, but I like everything else to be soul food, so that's how I kind of mix it.

Traci Hobson  48:31

That's a such a good question. Now I will say I prefer noodles over rice. Yeah, I much prefer noodles over rice. And you know, actually, I'm going to cooking classes this weekend. Korean cooking class. I think I learned more how to cook soul food than I did Korean food. Although I love Korean food, and my children love it. They've always grown up on it. But yeah, the running joke for me is I don't know how to cook rice. I just don't, I mean, they took it from you, and people are like, what? You're Asian, you can't cook rice. It's like, nope, skipped my generation and skill set. Sorry, right? No, my girls can cook rice, but it missed me so. And that's the running joke in the family. You want rice? Yeah? No, I'm not. I'm not doing it. I buy the little microwave,

Sharmane Fury  49:27

okay? Judgment, this is the judgment free zone. They took your rice.

Sharmane Fury  49:35

I know it's, it's, it's shameless, it's not, it's, I mean, it's not, people people can like what they like, right? I mean, like I said, I got uncomfortable saying I actually, I actually prefer Japanese chicken. So, you know, we all got our thanks. Thank you again, so much for coming on the show. Is there any like parting thoughts you want to do before we get out of here?

Traci Hobson  49:57

You know, I am happy if anyone wants. You know, to check in with me. I'm on all the social media handles. I would love to pull the next person forward that's struggling like I did. I definitely believe in that, and I believe that we all have something to offer, and we are we are enough. We are absolutely enough. Yes. And Sharmane, I want to thank you. It was such a pleasure meeting you in September. And I really, really hope that this, we stay in touch. I don't keep you posted on my journey.

Sharmane Fury  50:38

Yeah, absolutely. And just so you know, once you come on Militantly Mixed, you become a cousin of the show. So we're now cousins, and I'm gonna have to book a ticket to come visit my cousin in Korea.

Traci Hobson  50:54

Sit down, and hey, it's all good. Thank you so much. This was been my pleasure. Thank you. I appreciate

Sharmane Fury  51:01

1. Militantly Mixed is a Manehustle Media Podcast, produced and hosted by me, Sharmane Fury. Music is by David Bogan, the one. Please follow us on social media, YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook. At Militantly Mixed. If you'd like to become a Patreon of Militantly Mixed, please go to patreon.com/sharmanefury for a monthly sponsorship or paypal.me/MilitantlyMixed for a one-time only donation. And if you like what you hear on Militantly Mixed, please subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts, and don't forget to be your Mixed ass self.